Have I told you lately that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing at work? As in, I have never felt like I knew what I was doing. Even when I worked at OFFWIRE, and I was supposed to be the systems expert, I pretty much didn't know what I was doing. I am pretty good at playing with computer programs, to the point of almost ruining everything, and then magically stopping and going back the way I came. But other than that, if you work with me, you pretty much don't want me anywhere near whatever it is you're doing.
People (like my boss or coworkers) tend to give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that I have the foggiest idea of what they're talking about at any given time. I don't.
For example, I've been working on one report for about a week. That's not bad, really. Lately, it's been taking me several weeks to get one done, but mostly because I'm working on 8 at a time, and I have to wait for the user of the info to get back to me about questions I've had, etc. But this one has been different. It's high priority, and instead of a regular analyst, my boss has been proofing the report, and acting as an intermediary between me and the actual users: clinical managers. I was pretty proud of my work. It's out of tables that I have had no training on, using 3 sub-reports, etc. Well...I had pride in it until I left town on Friday, and my boss called one of my cohorts in to take a look at a few problems with it.
Lucky for me, my coworker didn't solve any of the issues, and I was able to fix them all yesterday and today. This afternoon, he came over to tell me that he's keeping the finished product in a "good reports" file where he can reference them if he runs into an issue on something that he's workign on. Instead of feeling good about this, I got worried that maybe once he learns a little more about Crystal, he'll realize that I just fudge my way around that program without actually fixing problems. Oops.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Mean moms, unite!
I used to be a mean mom. No candy or sweets. Always eat a good dinner. Always go to bed and stay in bed all night. No TV. Adults were always addressed by Mr or Miss. Pleases and thank yous were mandatory. I had no problem putting my child in time out at the grocery store. I had no problem taking my kid to the bathroom of a restaurant for a time out until we could settle down and eat a decent meal. Basically, I kept a figurative short leash on my child and there were always consequences. Always.
I've completely lost my edge. I've let my husband convince me that I'm too mean. That perhaps I don't like my own children because of the way I have tried to raise them. That I need to make exceptions for the little one because life has been scary and strange for the family during the past few months. But I think it's time for me to take back my parenting style. For one thing, when my daughter was the same age as my son is now, life was scary and strange. My ex-husband was in the process of moving out of the house. I was battling some mild depression. There was a question as to whether or not I could afford to stay in the house that we were living in because I wasn't making very much in my job. My daughter had to transition to full time daycare.
Now that I'm writing it out, many of the same life events that Bubba is facing were faced by my daughter at close to that same age. Bubba recently went back to full time daycare. Depending on the month lately, Bubba either lived without his mother or without his father. There are some major questions about how we're going to afford to live for the next couple of months. How did I deal with it then? I got out of bed in the morning, worked all day, played with my daughter in the evening, fed her, put her to bed, and did the same thing the next day. She was the reason why I was able to get out of bed in the morning. She was the reason why I made it through a day at work: I knew she needed me to do that and to come home in the evening. My parenting style didn't change. I was as mean as ever. But not because I was angry at her or because I wanted to deprive her of anything. It was just the opposite. It was because I wanted for her what I had growing up. Discipline, a healthy diet, enough rest, etc.
How am I dealing with it now? I still get out of bed in the morning. I still work all day. I still play or read books with Bubba. But the TV is on in the background. I help my husband cook 2 dinners. One for us and one for Bubba. And I get up with Bubba when he wakes up at night. Actually, my husband does much of the heavy lifting in all of those areas. But I know I'm going wrong somewhere. I know it doesn't have to be that way. I have gotten lazy, soft. Ben says that Bubba is more stubborn that Scooter, and that's why we're doing what we're doing. But what if it's just Bubba reacting to our parenting? He thinks he's the one in control, so he's taking it. Well guess what, son? I'm taking it back. It starts today. It's going to be a lot harder than it was with Scooter because it'll be a deviation from what he's experienced for 6+ months, but it's going to happen.
People compliment me all the time on how smart/well behaved/sweet my daughter is. And she is a sweet and clever girl, but she didn't magically get that way. She was raised that way. And I'll be damned if my boy isn't going to be just as sweet and smart and well behaved. Well...maybe just as sweet and smart.
I've completely lost my edge. I've let my husband convince me that I'm too mean. That perhaps I don't like my own children because of the way I have tried to raise them. That I need to make exceptions for the little one because life has been scary and strange for the family during the past few months. But I think it's time for me to take back my parenting style. For one thing, when my daughter was the same age as my son is now, life was scary and strange. My ex-husband was in the process of moving out of the house. I was battling some mild depression. There was a question as to whether or not I could afford to stay in the house that we were living in because I wasn't making very much in my job. My daughter had to transition to full time daycare.
Now that I'm writing it out, many of the same life events that Bubba is facing were faced by my daughter at close to that same age. Bubba recently went back to full time daycare. Depending on the month lately, Bubba either lived without his mother or without his father. There are some major questions about how we're going to afford to live for the next couple of months. How did I deal with it then? I got out of bed in the morning, worked all day, played with my daughter in the evening, fed her, put her to bed, and did the same thing the next day. She was the reason why I was able to get out of bed in the morning. She was the reason why I made it through a day at work: I knew she needed me to do that and to come home in the evening. My parenting style didn't change. I was as mean as ever. But not because I was angry at her or because I wanted to deprive her of anything. It was just the opposite. It was because I wanted for her what I had growing up. Discipline, a healthy diet, enough rest, etc.
How am I dealing with it now? I still get out of bed in the morning. I still work all day. I still play or read books with Bubba. But the TV is on in the background. I help my husband cook 2 dinners. One for us and one for Bubba. And I get up with Bubba when he wakes up at night. Actually, my husband does much of the heavy lifting in all of those areas. But I know I'm going wrong somewhere. I know it doesn't have to be that way. I have gotten lazy, soft. Ben says that Bubba is more stubborn that Scooter, and that's why we're doing what we're doing. But what if it's just Bubba reacting to our parenting? He thinks he's the one in control, so he's taking it. Well guess what, son? I'm taking it back. It starts today. It's going to be a lot harder than it was with Scooter because it'll be a deviation from what he's experienced for 6+ months, but it's going to happen.
People compliment me all the time on how smart/well behaved/sweet my daughter is. And she is a sweet and clever girl, but she didn't magically get that way. She was raised that way. And I'll be damned if my boy isn't going to be just as sweet and smart and well behaved. Well...maybe just as sweet and smart.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Nobody ever said life was easy
I spent another weekend traveling. I would say I spent it in Omaha, but really, I think I spent the most amount of time in airports or planes. The short time I did get to spend in Omaha with Scooter was fantastic. And sad. Fantastic and sad. As awesome as it was to spend time as a family over her Christmas break, it was at least as great to spend it one on one with her this weekend. We went to the zoo (only indoor displays, please!), we walked around the mall, we watched some movies. It was way too short. And it's getting harder. It's getting harder for me at least, to drop her back off at her dad's and go back to the airport. I cry on the way to the airport. I cry at the gate waiting to board. Sometimes I cry while we're in the air. I just want my daughter back. I just want us to be a family again.
She and I have been a family since the day she was born. After Adam moved out, she and I were still family. After Ben and I got married, it was Scooter and I that welcomed him into our family. After Bubba was born, there were 4 in our circle. Through all the changes, the core was still there. But now, as I type this back in Portland, she's not. And everytime I leave her back in Omaha by herself, a little bit of my heart chips off.
Perhaps that's why when I went through security at the Omaha airport yesterday, I didn't look very happy. And it's dangerous to not look happy when you're traveling. I've been reading recently about how TSA agents are trained to detect microfacial expressions. So...if you're looking especially anxious or stressed, they'll screen you harder. And screen me they did. They sent me through the "look at her underpants" scanner. After that, they patted me down, and I must admit that nobody has spent that much time rubbing my behind in a long time. After that, they swabbed my hands for explosives. When I asked what that machine was for, the "highly trained" TSA agent said, "oh. it's explosives." I responded with, "Oh my word!" (thinking...'I can't believe these guys think I have explosives on my hands!' followed by, 'crap! i cleaned the bathroom this morning with comet! i hope they don't think that it's actually some explosive chemical...'). He reassured me by saying, "oh...there's no explosive in the machine. It only DETECTS explosives." I said, "I know."
What followed were 2 plane rides with screaming children in my same row. In my experience, a screaming child is not so bad if they're at least 4 rows away. But if you're seated in "the zone" it's pretty miserable. I guess it wasn't that bad, though. I was pretty miserable myself, and at least the children distracted everyone else from my sobs...
She and I have been a family since the day she was born. After Adam moved out, she and I were still family. After Ben and I got married, it was Scooter and I that welcomed him into our family. After Bubba was born, there were 4 in our circle. Through all the changes, the core was still there. But now, as I type this back in Portland, she's not. And everytime I leave her back in Omaha by herself, a little bit of my heart chips off.
Perhaps that's why when I went through security at the Omaha airport yesterday, I didn't look very happy. And it's dangerous to not look happy when you're traveling. I've been reading recently about how TSA agents are trained to detect microfacial expressions. So...if you're looking especially anxious or stressed, they'll screen you harder. And screen me they did. They sent me through the "look at her underpants" scanner. After that, they patted me down, and I must admit that nobody has spent that much time rubbing my behind in a long time. After that, they swabbed my hands for explosives. When I asked what that machine was for, the "highly trained" TSA agent said, "oh. it's explosives." I responded with, "Oh my word!" (thinking...'I can't believe these guys think I have explosives on my hands!' followed by, 'crap! i cleaned the bathroom this morning with comet! i hope they don't think that it's actually some explosive chemical...'). He reassured me by saying, "oh...there's no explosive in the machine. It only DETECTS explosives." I said, "I know."
What followed were 2 plane rides with screaming children in my same row. In my experience, a screaming child is not so bad if they're at least 4 rows away. But if you're seated in "the zone" it's pretty miserable. I guess it wasn't that bad, though. I was pretty miserable myself, and at least the children distracted everyone else from my sobs...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Brain Drain
My husband's got a cold. Or maybe something more sinister. He started feeling badly right before we left on our weekend trip last Thursday. He was functional and fun on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. By Monday, though, he had taken a turn for the worse. Tuesday was worse than Monday, and Wednesday was even worse. He woke up this morning feeling about the same as yesterday, which is to say he felt pretty badly. With Ben out, my nights have been as busy as my days. He usually does much of the cooking and general pick-up of toys, etc before I even get home. I help with the post-dinner kitchen clean up, and we both get Bubba ready for bed, etc. before a moment of relaxation before we go to bed.
This week, I've been responsible for almost everything. It's amazing how much Ben does when he's feeling up to it. On top of that, I did 5 loads of laundry on Tuesday. That's $12.50. Except I'm a genius, and saved us $0.50 by plugging the dryer rather than start from scratch for loads 4 and 5.
My genius was on Tuesday. By yesterday, I was done. You know how when you were in high school or college, and you had a full day of classes or maybe you had a test and your brain was really tired from all that thinking? And having a tired brain caused you to physically be really tired? I've been experiencing that phenomenon a lot lately. Don't worry, it's not because my job is sucking the life out of me. I think it's because there is much to learn, and it's kind of (really) tiring to learn it all. Being the new person kind of stinks.
Plus, I'm garnering this reputation as being competent, which is a total drag. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being helpful and having work to do. But the fact that in reality, I have no idea what I'm doing coupled with the fact the people are starting to ask me questions for guidance leads to much stress for me. Especially when I look to my left and right and see people much more skilled in both SQL and Crystal Reports. Are they just asking me questions to try to trip me up and expose me as a fraud? Sometimes I wonder...
This week, I've been responsible for almost everything. It's amazing how much Ben does when he's feeling up to it. On top of that, I did 5 loads of laundry on Tuesday. That's $12.50. Except I'm a genius, and saved us $0.50 by plugging the dryer rather than start from scratch for loads 4 and 5.
My genius was on Tuesday. By yesterday, I was done. You know how when you were in high school or college, and you had a full day of classes or maybe you had a test and your brain was really tired from all that thinking? And having a tired brain caused you to physically be really tired? I've been experiencing that phenomenon a lot lately. Don't worry, it's not because my job is sucking the life out of me. I think it's because there is much to learn, and it's kind of (really) tiring to learn it all. Being the new person kind of stinks.
Plus, I'm garnering this reputation as being competent, which is a total drag. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being helpful and having work to do. But the fact that in reality, I have no idea what I'm doing coupled with the fact the people are starting to ask me questions for guidance leads to much stress for me. Especially when I look to my left and right and see people much more skilled in both SQL and Crystal Reports. Are they just asking me questions to try to trip me up and expose me as a fraud? Sometimes I wonder...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
2 steps back
In yet another blow to my psyche, our trial date got pushed out. It's only by a day, but come on, man! Ben and I are lucky that we procrastinated about buying tickets back to Omaha for the trial. We'll have to book them soon, though. Feb 8, folks. Mark your calendars.
I was looking at Ben's photos from this weekend, and I almost didn't recognize myself. I'm old. Like, I've aged about 20 years in the past 4 months. I'm not kidding, either. Part of it might be that my hair is longer, now, but I think a lot of it is stress. Ben had photos on his memory card from August/September, and then ones from this weekend, and the difference is striking. Strikingly sad and scary. At this rate, botox is in my future. As soon as we can afford it...ha ha ha...
I was looking at Ben's photos from this weekend, and I almost didn't recognize myself. I'm old. Like, I've aged about 20 years in the past 4 months. I'm not kidding, either. Part of it might be that my hair is longer, now, but I think a lot of it is stress. Ben had photos on his memory card from August/September, and then ones from this weekend, and the difference is striking. Strikingly sad and scary. At this rate, botox is in my future. As soon as we can afford it...ha ha ha...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Another day, another dollar (gone)
I think the recession has finally hit the streets in Portland. I haven't found any change on the ground since Scooter was out here over a week ago. I did, however, find two pairs of really cool Keen shoes on the sidewalk this afternoon. I wonder if Portland is trying to establish some sort of bartering system with me. I just can't figure out what my end of the bargain is. I mean, before it was just me picking up free money. Is it free shoes now, too? Free anything I want? In that case, please, Portland, will you give me some free legal advice?
I've got my tickets to go back to Omaha this weekend and the weekend of the 21st. I'll be sending out a fb request for anyone to pick me up at the airport LATE on those Friday nights and returning me sometime on Sunday afternoons. Don't all volunteer at once... :) I also have no problem calling a cab or taking the bus. It's how I roll these days.
Other than our quick trip to the coast this weekend, life has kind of settled into its new normal. Work is piling up at work, housework is piling up at home, etc. One thing I really enjoy doing - looking toward the future and the options it brings - has kind of been taken away from me until (hopefully) sometime in February. My tiny brain can't handle processing all the options for all the contingencies that might happen in February, so I've resigned myself to the present. For now.
I've got my tickets to go back to Omaha this weekend and the weekend of the 21st. I'll be sending out a fb request for anyone to pick me up at the airport LATE on those Friday nights and returning me sometime on Sunday afternoons. Don't all volunteer at once... :) I also have no problem calling a cab or taking the bus. It's how I roll these days.
Other than our quick trip to the coast this weekend, life has kind of settled into its new normal. Work is piling up at work, housework is piling up at home, etc. One thing I really enjoy doing - looking toward the future and the options it brings - has kind of been taken away from me until (hopefully) sometime in February. My tiny brain can't handle processing all the options for all the contingencies that might happen in February, so I've resigned myself to the present. For now.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Heavy New Year
Well, I can't say I'm sad to see 2010 go. I can say that I thought I'd feel better about 2011. We went to the coast for a quick weekend jaunt. We drove through the beautiful coastal range in Oregon on our way to Seaside. We stopped at Stub Stewart State Park so Ben could potentially do some mountain biking. He ended up taking a few photos, instead. Even though the elevation was low - around 1000 feet, there was still enough snow on the ground to deter Ben from biking a likely technical and definitely unfamiliar trail. There were some lovely trees in the morning light to photograph.
We ate lunch at Norma's Oceanside Restaurant, and that evening, we went to Cannon Beach to see Haystack Rock of Goonies fame. It was windy and cold on the beach, but we were there at low tide, so it was really nice to walk around on the beach and see the rocks where they come up out of the ground instead of surrounded by water.
Saturday, we headed back to Cannon Beach, this time to Ecola State Park so Ben could take a few photos. I took a few, too, but only one or two turned out. It was really windy and cold, and Bubba and I didn't want to stay out there for too long.
After that, we drove down 101 to Tillamook, stopping at almost every lookout and state rec area on the way.
It was a lovely drive, and we ended up in room 111 on 1/1/11, but overall, Tillamook was a bit disappointing to me. In fact, to be honest, the whole weekend was a little depressing. I had left 2010 thinking that closing that year would make me feel better about this one, but really, although I didn't end up taking Bubba to the emergency room yesterday (like I did on 1/1/10), at least when we got home from the ER a year ago, there were 4 of us. Together. A family. Today, when we got home from our weekend trip, I had to call #3 to tell her about what 1, 2, and 4 did this weekend. The whole time we were gone, I had a bit of an empty feeling in my heart, and tears were close to falling from my eyes. It was a wonderful time, and there was much fun to be had. I guess I just hope that we can do it again in a few months. Whole.
We ate lunch at Norma's Oceanside Restaurant, and that evening, we went to Cannon Beach to see Haystack Rock of Goonies fame. It was windy and cold on the beach, but we were there at low tide, so it was really nice to walk around on the beach and see the rocks where they come up out of the ground instead of surrounded by water.
Saturday, we headed back to Cannon Beach, this time to Ecola State Park so Ben could take a few photos. I took a few, too, but only one or two turned out. It was really windy and cold, and Bubba and I didn't want to stay out there for too long.
After that, we drove down 101 to Tillamook, stopping at almost every lookout and state rec area on the way.
It was a lovely drive, and we ended up in room 111 on 1/1/11, but overall, Tillamook was a bit disappointing to me. In fact, to be honest, the whole weekend was a little depressing. I had left 2010 thinking that closing that year would make me feel better about this one, but really, although I didn't end up taking Bubba to the emergency room yesterday (like I did on 1/1/10), at least when we got home from the ER a year ago, there were 4 of us. Together. A family. Today, when we got home from our weekend trip, I had to call #3 to tell her about what 1, 2, and 4 did this weekend. The whole time we were gone, I had a bit of an empty feeling in my heart, and tears were close to falling from my eyes. It was a wonderful time, and there was much fun to be had. I guess I just hope that we can do it again in a few months. Whole.
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